Eva

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with.  Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.

Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and distance yourself from those who don’t.  Here are some general warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:

1.  They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.

It’s obvious, but any relationship without regular interaction and communication is going to have problems, especially when there’s a lack of commitment.

Don’t waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them.  You shouldn’t have to force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you they will gladly create space for you.

Being in a relationship with someone who overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity.  Never beg someone for attention.  Know your self-worth, and move on if you must.

2.  They hold your past against you.

Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them.  They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you.  Do not help them by acknowledging their negative behavior.  Keep moving forward.

Holding on to the unchangeable past is a waste of energy and serves no purpose in creating a better day today.  If someone continuously judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to repair your future by leaving them behind.

3.  You feel trapped.

Healthy relationships keep the doors and windows wide open.  Plenty of air is flowing and no one feels trapped.  Relationships thrive in this kind of unrestricted environment.  You can come and go as you please, but you choose to stay because where you are is where you want to be.

If you want to be a part of someone’s life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make you leave.  If someone has closed them all in an effort to trap you into something you don’t want to be a part of, it’s time to find the strength to kick down the door.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships and Self-Love chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  They discredit your dreams and abilities.

If you allow others to define your dreams and abilities, then you enable them to hold you back.  What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you.  What you’re capable of achieving depends on what you choose to do with your time and energy.

People will throw all sorts of assumptions your way about what is possible and what is impossible.  Look beyond the presumptions and mental limitations of others, and connect with your own best vision of how YOUR life can be.  Life is an open-ended journey, and what you achieve comes from what you expect to achieve and what you work to achieve.

So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks.  Keep living your truth.  The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.

5.  They have lied to you more than once.

Love is a verb, not a noun.  It is ACTIVE in all relationships.  Love is not just feelings of passion and romance between lovers; it is also a behavior among friends and family.  If someone lies to you, they are unlovingly disrespecting you and your relationship.

When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unloving to you!

Bottom line:  Those who avoid the truth and tell you only what you want to hear do so for their own benefit, not yours.  Don’t put up with it.  (Read Emotional Vampires.)

6.  Their negativity is rubbing off on you.

The negative people in your life don’t just behave negatively towards you, but towards everyone they interact with.  What they say and do is a projection of their own reality – their own inner issues.  Even if they say something to you that seems personal – even if they insult you directly – it likely has zero to do with you.

This is important to remember because what these negative people say and do shouldn’t be taken to heart.  Although you don’t have control over what they say and do; you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say and do these things to you.  You alone can deny their venomous words and actions from invading your heart and mind.  If you feel like these people are getting to you, take a break and give yourself some space to breathe.

Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people.  Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.

7.   They are excessively envious of what you have.

A little bit of envy is OK, but when someone is excessively envious of what you have, there’s a good chance what they really want is to take it from you.

Excessive envy doesn’t tell you how much someone admires you, it tells you how much they dislike themselves.  If you can, try to help lift them up, but also be careful that they don’t pull you down.  Oftentimes no amount of love, or promises, or proof from you will ever be enough to make them feel better about themselves.  For the broken pieces they carry, are pieces they must mend for themselves.  Happiness, after all, is an inside job.

8.  They motivate you to be judgmental or hateful.

Truth be told, no human being is superior.  No faith, race, size or shape is inferior.  All collective judgments about others are wrong.  Only judgmental hypocrites make them.

If you judge others by their skin color, their body size, and their outer beauty, you will miss EVERYTHING about who they really are.  It is amazing the quality of people you will learn about and meet in this world if you can simply get past the fact that lots of people are not dressing and living the way you do.

People who motivate you to judge or hate others are as bad as bad company gets.  Avoid them at all costs.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

9.  They want you to be someone else.

Spend time with people who see you the way you are, and not as they wish to think you are.  Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway.

If someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back.  It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not.  It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity.  It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s one big warning sign you’re in the presence of bad company?  Please leave a comment below and let us know.

Photo by: Bhumika Bhatia

In the long run, the simple questions you ask yourself on a regular basis will determine the type of person you become.

“Today, I miss who I was.  I miss the girl who had something to be proud of.  I miss the girl who was genuinely happy in her own skin.  I miss the girl who was innocent and free and thought for herself.  I miss the girl who would look in the mirror and not see every flaw.  I miss the girl who didn’t let the negative words of others bother her.  I’ve transformed myself to make everyone else like me.  But now I don’t like me.  I really miss who I was.”

That’s the opening paragraph to a long, heartfelt email I received last night from a reader named Lori.  Her email goes on to, inadvertently, describe nearly a dozen self-defeating questions she asks herself on a regular basis – questions I know for a fact she doesn’t even mean to be asking.

Negativity often breeds not from the answers we receive from this world, but from the questions we ask ourselves every day.  Like Lori, if you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers.  There are no positive answers to:

• “Why me?”
• “Why didn’t I?”
• “What if I’m not good enough?”
• etc.

Think about it.  Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself?  I doubt it.  So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction.  Here are some ideas to get you started…

1. What could you be grateful for and positive about right now, if you really wanted to? – Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another.  Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have.  When life gives you every reason to be negative, think positive.
2. What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have? – Smile right now; not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have.
3. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of? – Oftentimes holding on actually makes us weaker, and letting go builds our strength.  Does that thing you were extremely upset about six months ago, or last year, really matter now?  I bet it doesn’t.  And if you’re still thinking about it, it’s not serving your best interests.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
4. Who, or what, needs your forgiveness? – Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to healed relationships and situations.  Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be.  Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE.  Go ahead and set yourself free.  When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free.
5. What’s the right thing to do? – Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth your while.  Do what’s right, not what’s easy.  It’s a far less stressful way to live.
6. What’s something nice you can do for someone else right now? – Do all the good you can, to as many people as you can, as often as you can.  No act of love and kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  Good vibes always come back around.
7. What compliments have you received lately? – Remember, butterflies don’t know the color of their wings, but the human eyes know how beautiful they are.  Likewise, in the haste of your busy days, you likely don’t notice just how great you are, but others nearby still see that you are incredible.  When someone says something nice about you, it’s worth remembering.
8. What do you know you’re great at? – Although it’s nice to hear people compliment you, it’s not essential to your self-worth.  And if no one offers to give you a compliment, give yourself one.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you every minute; you are VALUABLE!  Notice your strengths, focus on them, and celebrate them.
9. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? – Truth be told, you can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try.  Care less about what the haters say about you and smile more about what you know is true.  Live your life and be happy with yourself, without their negative judgments.  Practice listening to compliments and constructive criticism, and ignoring insults and negativity.  It’s far from easy, but it’s worth working on.
10. What activities help you feel most like yourself? – In other words, figure out what motivates you to grow into your most authentic self.  And remember that you can’t grow unless you’re willing to change.  But as you grow you’ll notice you don’t change much… you just become more of who YOU are.
11. What gets you excited about life? – Think… If you truly wanted to be excited right now, what could you get excited about?  Find it and focus on it more often.  When you truly believe in what you’re doing, it shows and it pays.  Success in life is for those who are excited about where they’re going.  (Angel and I discuss this concept in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
12. What excuses do you need to stop making? – As George Washington once said, “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  If you are good at making excuses, you will never be good at anything else.  No matter what the obstacles are that you see in front of you, the only thing truly standing between you and what you want is the excuse you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
13. If you learn from your mistakes, why are you always so afraid to make a mistake? – If you want to do it right, make lots of mistakes and accept a great deal of discomfort along the way.  It might sound crazy, but it’s worth your while.  In life, mistakes make you smarter and discomfort makes you stronger.  Both are necessary growing pains.
14. When was the unexpected better than what you expected? – When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, “Plot twist!” and then do your best to adapt.  You won’t always get where you intended to go in life, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.
15. What do you now know better for next time? – Don’t let your fear of past events affect the outcome of your future.  Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.  There will always be obstacles, but we are confined most often by the walls we build ourselves.  What we see depends on how we look at it.  Forget what you’ve lost and focus on what you’ve learned.
16. What’s the next best step forward from here? – Every unwelcomed event, person or situation is really just a doorway into the next YOU.  A stronger, wiser YOU.  (Read Change Your Thoughts.)
17. What’s priceless about this moment? – Step forward, but don’t rush.  Don’t completely waste the season of life you are in now, simply because you want the next one to begin.  There is always beauty waiting to be realized.  Notice the goodness happening around you right now, even if you have to look a little harder than usual.
18. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? – Relax.  You are enough.  You have enough.  You do enough.  Breathe extra deep, let go and just live right now in the moment.
19. Who do you need to spend less time with? – There are over seven billion people in the world right now; don’t let a handful of negative ones ruin your happiness.  No, you can’t choose every person you meet in life, but you can choose who you spend your time with.  So be thankful for the people who walk into your life and make it better, but also be thankful for the freedom to walk away from the ones who don’t.
20. How have insignificant past rejections messed with your self-confidence? – Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head.  Kick them out on the street.  Realize that sometimes you have to try to do what you think you can’t do, so you realize that you actually CAN.  And sometimes it takes more than one attempt.  If ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work out, don’t fret; the alphabet has another 25 letters that would be happy to give you a chance to get it right.  The wrong choices usually bring us to the right places, eventually.  You just have to believe in your own potential to get there.

Afterthoughts

Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to ask enough of the right ones that ultimately leads you to an understanding of yourself and your purpose.

You can spend your life wallowing in fear by avoiding the obvious, or asking negative questions like, “Why me?”  Or you can be grateful that you’ve made it this far – that you are strong enough to breathe, walk and think for yourself – and then ask, “Where do I want to go next?”

Your turn…

What did I miss?  What encouraging questions do you need to start asking yourself?  Leave us a comment below and let us know.

Photo by: Moyan Brenn

My father is one of the wisest men I know.  Over the past year he has been dispensing bits of wisdom to friends, business partners and family members via his Facebook wall and private Twitter stream.  Since much of what he posts is in line with the focus of our blog, I figured I’d share some of his advice with you today.  Here are my 30 favorite excerpts from his recent posts.

1. You can’t make choices for other people.  Don’t let other people make choices for you.
2. There are an unlimited number of ‘Dr. No’ folks that you will encounter in this life.  If you have a personal inspiration, idea or goal, don’t let a ‘Dr. No’ deter you!  Trust your gut, do the planning and then DO IT!
3. Opportunities are often disguised as work, so most people don’t recognize them.
4. The Chinese character for the word ‘crisis’ literally means ‘danger and opportunity.’
5. Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small pieces. -Henry Ford –  Same concept configured as a question:  How do you eat an elephant?  Answer: One bite at a time.  Read Getting Things Done.
6. Learn from the past, but don’t dwell in the past.  In other words, don’t abuse the precious ‘now’ by not being in it.
7. Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
8. Perfect is the enemy of good.
9. Education and knowledge are invaluable.  But do we need to know everything?  Is it possible in a specialized world to know everything?  For instance, do you need to have a comprehensive understanding of dentistry to go to a dentist to have a cavity filled?  In many instances, ‘not knowing’ is a wise approach – it’s like cleaning out a crowded closet to make space for something useful.
10. Big results come when you narrow your focus.  Concentrate your efforts on smaller and smaller areas.  When your efforts are diffused over a wide area they won’t have much of an impact.  So focus on smaller areas and your efforts will be felt more fully.  It could take time for change to happen, but keep that focus narrow.
11. You can’t do it all yourself.  We live in a multi-specialized world.  For example, in building a house, plumbers specialize, electricians specialize, heating and air conditioning technicians specialize, roofers specialize, masons specialize – get it? These guys are consultant contractors who have mastered that component.  For any large project, find the right consultant or mentor.
12. Don’t try to impress everyone.  Purposely impressing people is an act that brings nothing but a momentary ego boost.  Be real with people instead.  Connect with fewer people on a level that is deeper and more profound.
13. Short lecture on happiness and contentment:  Check out what you do have and be satisfied with it for today.  There is an infinite list of what you could want and don’t have.  I like Shakespeare’s line in the play Hamlet, when the young prince tells us that “I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself king of infinite space.”  The trick is what one emphasizes.  We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy.  The amount of work is the same.  -Carlos Castaneda  Read The Happiness Project.
14. Manage your time.  Your situation and environment is ever changing, so be careful not to confuse things that are urgent with things that are important.
15. A healthy paradox of life that I find personally challenging:  There is ENLIGHTENMENT to be gained from the ability to live in the moment, but if you don’t have a time management system, or an event control system, you are at a significant disadvantage in achieving goals.
16. Keep it simple.  There is a world of magnificence hidden in simplicity.  Pick the five most important things in your life now and focus on those things.  Let the other stuff go.  Stop the busyness and really enjoy what’s important to you.
17. Focus on goals, not obstacles.
18. There is a major gap between knowledge and taking ACTION.  Mistakes and failures are necessary interim steps in the learning process.  Stop talking about what you have done or what you are going to do. Just do it and let your actions speak for themselves.
19. Sometimes you just have to go for it.  Put your uncertainty and fears aside for a second and ask yourself this:  “If I try and I don’t get it right the first time, what will I have lost and what will I have gained?”  The answer is:  You will have lost nothing but a little bit of your time while gaining an important lesson that will help you get it right the second or third time.  People rarely get it right the first time.  In fact, usually the only people who ever get it right are those who continue going for it even when they’ve come up short numerous times before.
20. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. -Japanese proverb
21. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. –Confucius  Read Quitter.
22. In order to get, you have to give.  Supporting, guiding and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards.  Everything you do comes back around.
23. Not much is worth fighting about.  If you can avoid it, don’t fight.  Step back from arguments with your spouse, family members or neighbors.  When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and walk away.  Let yourself calm down.  You don’t have to be right or win an argument.  It just doesn’t matter.
24. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is always the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!
25. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
26. People skills – I think the main one:  ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AND LISTENING.  Practice as if you were a television interviewer.  Get other people to tell their stories.  A powerful communication skill that I call SCAFFOLDING in business or informal interaction with other human beings on the phone or in person:  Give the person your first name and get their first name in the first few moments of contact… which establishes rapport.  Example:   “Hi, my name is Marc; I didn’t get your name, who am I speaking with?” (Follow-up, depending on the situation, with “How are you doing today?”)  Then after this rapport context, move on to dialogue like, “I wonder if you could help me with a simple issue I am having with ABC… or you do you have any recommendations for XYZ?   Always in closing, let the person know that you “appreciate their assistance.”
27. You don’t need an MBA, but take some courses or read some books on finance, economics, financial planning, investments (real estate, stock market), and accounting.  With these navigational skills, start to steer your ship through continually changing seas.  Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Don’t spend more than you make.  Don’t let your money manage you.
28. It is your life, your body and mind.  Without necessarily getting a Ph.D. in nutrition, increase minimal culinary skills, accumulate some basic nutritional knowledge, and start experimenting immediately with what works for you.  Also concentrate on keeping your body active.  Cardiovascular improvement – your heart loves you when you take it there, deep breathing space, building muscle, stretching space.  Escape from confinement in automobiles and office desks and move around.  Read Eat to Live.
29. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.
30. Smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday… and you will be.

Photo by: Angela Sevin

What you do every day is already important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  But today, I dare you to take it up a notch, pump some extra life into every hour, and really make your time count.

Today, I dare you to…

1. Make someone else smile. – Ordinary people worry today and postpone their happiness for tomorrow.  Intelligent people are happy today and postpone their worries for tomorrow.  Wise people only wish happiness for all, today and tomorrow.  If you wish to have a lifetime of happiness, dedicate time every day to helping others smile with complete sincerity and enthusiasm.
2. Be imperfect. – Something that is really difficult, but totally worth it, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self.  The most beautiful part of this journey is simply returning to the peaceful feeling of being.  This peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.
3. Be enthusiastic about what you’re doing. – You’re not given a good life or a bad life.  You’re given life, and it’s up to you to make it good or bad.  So wake up and get motivated; not everybody made it to today.  Don’t take your time for granted.  Don’t waste time thinking back to what you could have done differently yesterday.  Keep your eyes on the road ahead and do it differently today.  Wherever the road takes you, bring your passion.  Whatever you do along the way, do it with all your heart.
4. Make the best of what happens. – More important than what happens to you, is what you make of what happens to you.  The more thankful you are, the more beautiful this world appears.  You must uncover the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what makes you grateful not hateful.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
5. Forgive your past self. – Sometimes, good people like you make bad choices.  It doesn’t mean you’re bad; it means you’re human.  So get bored with your past; it’s over.  Forgive yourself for what you think you did or didn’t do, and focus on what you will do starting now.
6. Spend some time simply being and breathing. – The only way to live happily ever after is one day at a time.  Just be, breathe, and think not about what you’re missing, but what you’ve been given.  Happiness is something that comes into our lives gradually through the doors we don’t even remember leaving open.  Read The Power of Now.
7. Learn something new. – It’s important to remember that you cannot become who you are capable of being by remaining exactly where you are.  If you are not willing to learn and grow, no one can help you.  But if you are determined to learn and grow, no one can stop you.  In the end, there are no permanent jobs on this planet; we are all interning here.  Learn from everyone, evolve, remain humble, and don’t forget to have a good time.
8. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself what you love about yourself. – What we see in the mirror is what we see in the world.  Our disappointment in others perfectly reflects our disappointment in ourselves.  Our acceptance of others perfectly reflects our acceptance of ourselves.  Our ability to see potential in others perfectly reflects our ability to see potential in ourselves.  Our patience with others perfectly reflects our patience with ourselves.  You get the idea – you’ve got to show yourself some love first.
9. Focus on the qualities you like about those around you. – Whenever we focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, we have a wonderful relationship with them.  Whenever we focus on a person’s not so wonderful qualities, we have a not so wonderful relationship with them.  What we focus on grows in our minds and hearts.  Read The Charisma Myth.
10. Say “yes” to a spontaneous opportunity. – Everything in life can’t be planned.  Some of the greatest opportunities will knock on your door when you least expect them to.  Be flexible, be spontaneous, and just say “yes.”

Photo by: Stuart Anthony

Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness and peace of mind.

This post has been updated and moved to HERE:

7 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Photo by: Sarahtanml